Of New Girlfriends And Weird Friends
by Kimiz
Summary: Chouji got himself a girlfriend. His friends couldn't be... Eh... Happier? The poor thing didn't know what she got herself into.


A/N: Soo. I was watching How I Met Your Mother, and it sorta put me in the mood to write something fun with friends. This came out, and I will be the first to admit it's a little OOC, and totally crackish. It's just for a laugh. Well, we have Shikamaru and Ino, who are his team, and Temari, who's Shikamaru's girlfriend of a lot of years, so part of the crew. The reason I picked Naruto and Kiba to be the other friends, is because the four boys were troublemakers together growing up, and they seemed pretty close in that Sasuke retrieval mission. So there's that. Enjoy!

**Of New Girlfriends and Weird Friends**

They were all sitting in the living room of the Akimichi house. Shikamaru, sitting on the couch with Temari's legs on his lap while she tried to fix his tie and not let the skirt of her green dress slip up too much; Kiba, who was sprawled out on a chair, possibly wrinkling the suit he was wearing, very much praying for said woman's skirt to do slip up too much, and last but not least, Ino skipping around the apartment like a child in Christmas in her pale lavender dress. Chouji was nowhere in sight. Neither were his parents, thank the Heavens.

"Chouji has a girlfriend! How cute is that?" Ino squealed.

"Someone is getting some!" Temari said nudging Shikamaru.

"I hope he doesn't ask for the apartment." He wondered thoughtfully.

"Stop being so selfish! Let the poor guy have some! It's been how long since he had a date anyway?"

"Tem. Do you know who won't get some if he asks for the apartment? Us. If he borrows it, we'll have to sleep at my parents'." She opened her mouth in realization.

"Dibs on the apartment!" she exclaimed.

"Who's selfish now?" he teased.

"I can't have sex at your parents' house! I keep thinking all those deer are staring at me…" she shuddered.

"Oh, my parents in the next room don't bother you, deer do." He mocked. She ignored him.

"…And I live three days away, which means we have uncertain sex hours. We have it while we can. I totally get priority." She defended.

"Right. This wasn't weird at all." Ino said sarcastically.

"Speak for yourself." Kiba laughed. "Are you done or should I get the popcorn?"

At that moment Naruto burst through the door, wearing a dark blue blazer and a blinding orange shirt under it.

"All bow to Mr. Rokudaime-sama, bitches!" Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

"You're not Rokudaime, Naruto."

"Yet! And that's Hokage-sama to you, mere mortal." He pointed at his nose.

"You're not Rokudaime EVER, we already had a Rokudaime, remember?" the blonde shrugged, waving his hand dismissively.

"Pshaw! No one is calling that fiasco out. It doesn't count." Shikamaru looked at him as if he was crazy.

"Of course it counts!"

"Says who?"

"History?"

"Pshh! Like anyone is gonna want to talk about some crazy old dude when they can talk about totally awesome me!" he posed grinning, hands on the lapel of the blazer.

"Are you fucking serious? Have you been smoking weird shit again?"

"Love… Not worth it." Temari said, putting her arm around his shoulders and patting his arm.

"So, this girlfriend lady…" Kiba started. "She hot?"

"It doesn't matter!" Ino cut him off, rolling her eyes. He seemed offended.

"How can it not matter? It's the first thing you have to know about a girl. The first, is she hot? Second, is she single?" she turned to him looking afronted.

"How come her relationship status comes second?"

"Well, why'd you want to know if she's single if she isn't hot?"

"Kiba." She started, closing her eyes for a second in annoyance. "You can't just base a whole relationship on sex!" he lifted his eyebrow. She looked at the only couple in the room and huffed. "Well, just because it works for Shikamaru and Temari doesn't mean it's right!"

"Hey!" they complained while Naruto cracked up.

"We don't base our whole relationship on sex!" everyone in the room looked skeptical.

"Really! We talk too!" Temari defended.

"Oh, really? Temari, what's Shikamaru's favorite color?" she opened her mouth to speak, then closed again.

"That is… A way too insignificant matter when you look at the topics we discuss between the two of us, why would we talk about something like that when our relationship is so full of depth and… And feeling… And… Oh, to hell with it. We screwed in the Hokage Tower as a first date, our relationship is based on sex." Ino looked smug as hell.

"It was green, by the way." Shikamaru whispered to her.

"Shut up." She hissed, then added. "But for future reference, mine is red."

"Hokage Tower? That's HOT!" Kiba lifted his hand for a high five that never came.

"Please tell me you didn't do it at the Hokage office." Naruto looked ill. "I'm gonna use that table someday, _sit on that chair!_"

"Relax, it wasn't in the office."

"Oh, thank God…"

"Scroll closet number seven." Shikamaru said with a smirk. Temari chuckled.

"That was one tiny closet. I remember there was this scroll digging up my…"

"TEMARI!" they all yelled disgustedly.

"Back! It was digging up my back! Jeez, what did you think I was going to say?"

"You had sex with the hot foreign chick in a scroll closet at the Hokage Tower." Kiba said in an amazed voice, dropping to his knees in front of the couple on the couch. "Teach me, master!"

"Seriously? A scroll closet? What the hell were you thinking?" Ino chided.

"I don't know! It was a hot summer, I was eighteen, her boobs were in my line of sight, hormones happened, alright? A man is allowed a moment of irrationality in his life!"

"It's alright, 'Maru, no one's judging you." Temari patted his arm.

"You're my hero, Shikamaru." Kiba said in awe.

"Oh, go back to your chair, you idiot!" Ino smacked him on the head. "The whole point of this thing is to know if the girl will be good for our little Chouji or if she's a bitch who'll break his heart in that case I break her neck." Ino snapped with a slightly psychotic smile. Everyone looked at her scared. "What?"

"It's settled. We all have soup tonight." Shikamaru declared. "I don't want Ino anywhere near pointy objects." Temari snorted.

"You think you'll be safe? She'll have senbons somewhere on her person." He looked confused.

"How do you know?"

"All kunoichi do."

"Where do you keep yours?" he asked in a low voice, looking at her with rapidly darkening eyes.

"You want to find out?" she grinned maliciously at him.

"Eeeew! Do you have to do that all the time? No one wants to see you to come onto each other… Kiba, stop taking notes!"

"You just did it in the closet, right? There was no way you did it in the office! _Promise me you won't do it in the office!_"

"Alright, alright, enough, please!"

They all stopped their bantering to look at Chouji, who had just walked into the room. He was dressed up, wearing a shirt and a blazer, his newly short hair combed back. He was also slightly flushed. They all grinned at him.

"Looking good, man!"

"Oh, look at my boys so grown up!"

"Yeah, I know, thanks." He cut them off. "Listen, Aiko is really shy and I really like her, I really want this to work out, so can we, uh, settle some rules for tonight?" his friends exchanged a look, but shrugged and nodded. "So. Shikamaru, you know you're my best friend, and Temari, you're completely welcome to come in the package, you guys are great, but could you, please, refrain from talking about your sex life at the dinner table? Or how cheesy and dumb other people are?" he pleaded.

"But what are we gonna talk about?" Temari mumbled to Shikamaru.

"We'll find a topic." He assured her, rubbing her arm.

"'Kay? Thanks. Naruto, it would be brilliant if you didn't burst into an inspirational speech."

"Wha- I don't do that!" five heads nodded in disagreement. "I _don't!"_

"Really, Naruto? Do you want us to start the list?"

"What list?" Ino started counting on her fingers.

"Konohamaru, Neji, Tsunade, Gaara, Nagato…"

"Alright! I get it! No inspirational speeches! Dattebayo!"

"Yeah… Well, you see, it would help if you didn't just blurt that out either."

"What? You kidding? No dattebayo?"

"Yeah, it's loud, and… It confuses people, it's just for tonight."

"Oh, _fine_. Just because I'm an awesome friend who'll be an awesome Hokage with a heart of gold. But you own me _big_!"

"Kiba, if you could turn off the manwhore mode it would be really great."

"I'm not a manwhore!" he yelled indignantly. Everyone looked at him with eyebrows raised. "I'm not. Whores are paid." He grinned. "I do it for pleasure."

"That's riight. You're a manslut." Temari said with a smirk.

"Oooh! Burn!" Naruto stood from his chair and high fived her.

"That was a good one, Tem." Shikamaru said amusedly.

"Right? I'm just a pool of charm and wit, ain't I? Isn't it turning you on?" she flashed him a malicious grin. He grinned back.

"You have to ask?" he lowered his head to kiss her.

"Okay, seriously, you guys!" Chouji complained. "I know you live three days apart and don't see each other very often, but please, could you keep it in your pants for one night? It's just a few hours!"

"Sorry." They said sheepishly.

"Thanks. Now, Ino. Could you please, please, _please_ not turn into a complete overprotective freak and scare her off with questions about her genetic code?"

"Do you want you children to be daltonic, Chouji? I don't want my nieces and nephews to be daltonic!"

"Ino, please. I really like her. I'm just asking you to not scare her off at the first fifteen minutes." He pleaded with puppy dog eyes.

"Fine." She huffed. "I'll _try_."

"No flipping through her thoughts either."

"What? How am I supposed to know what she's like?"

"By asking her?" Temari suggested. Kiba and Naruto high fived her again. "Man, I'm on a roll tonight."

"Shut up."

"Hey, it just ocurred me." Kiba said suddenly. "Did you have to go through all this when you started dating Shikamaru?" he asked Temari. She laughed.

"No. We dated for like, two years in secret before you guys caught up to it. And by the time you knew, you were all already used to me, and me to you. We just let you find out to make you feel good about yourselves and your big mouths took care of the rest."

"Let us find out?" Ino screeched. "We caught you two in full blown makeout session behind the Academy's building before the Chuunin Exams!"

"Bitch, please, that was no accident. If we wanted you not to find out, you'd never have found out. We're that sneaky." She said smugly.

"You're not that sneaky." Kiba accused.

"Oh, yes, we are. We are really sneaky. We are so sneaky, in fact, that we got married last June and you never found out!"

"WHAT?" everyone yelled.

"Just joking. We didn't marry." She laughed, everyone relaxed back into their seats. Then she turned serious again. "But we could have. And you'd have never known."

"Alright, enough with this madness. Can we just go?" Chouji asked with a tired frown.

"Okay…"

They all stood up and turned to the door, walking out of the house. As soon as Chouji left, Kiba elbowed Naruto.

"Ten bucks she runs away screaming." Naruto shook his hand.

"Thirty she starts spluttering when Temari mentions sex." Temari stuck her head between the two.

"Fifty she passes out before dessert."

"Deal!"

"Why do I hang out with you people?" Chouji cried from outside.

"Because life is a funny bitch, kiddo. Let's see what this hot stuff of yours is made of."

A/N: Manslut. Lol. Drop a review or two, sugarcrumbs. Make an author happy.


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